Siblings Retreat #sbf2014

Some people are fortunate to live near their siblings. They get to see them regularly, and they have close ties because they interact together frequently and participate in family activities like birthdays and anniversaries.

When you don’t live near your siblings, but want to maintain a close relationship, you have to be more creative. I haven’t lived near my brothers for over 25 years, but we were close growing up. My siblings are intelligent, talented, charming individuals and we enjoy getting together.  There is something about growing up together that creates a language of shared experiences, and only your siblings can speak that language with you. When you don’t get to interact, you can begin to feel a little lonely.

In addition to being intelligent, talented, and charming, my siblings both have extremely demanding, high-profile careers that keep them almost continually busy. Since we live so far from each other, almost 2,000 miles, we have had to find ways to stay connected. Birthday celebrations, holidays, and Sunday dinners with mom aren’t possible, so we have enacted the biannual siblings’ retreat.

Every two years, my two brothers and I meet somewhere for a long weekend. My youngest brother usually selected the location (with input from the rest of us) and accommodations.  He generally checks out the restaurants at the location because we are all foodies, and sometimes he will plan an excursion. It’s important that we not over-plan, but we usually have one activity to look forward to while we are there.

There are also some rules, mostly related to who can attend these weekend trips. We call it a siblings’ retreat for a reason. No spouses, partners, significant others, BFFs, children, or parents (especially not mom, because we always spend a portion of our time talking about how great she looks, how well she is doing, and how amazing she is). It is also important that, while on retreat, you embrace the “whatever”. It may be traffic, a slower culture, new foods, whatever. You have to go with it and embrace it.

We also have a rule that you don’t have to do absolutely everything together.  For example, I am a morning person. I wake up pretty cheerful and I like to be on the go.  I like to work out before I begin my day, rather than at the end of it. And I can be nauseatingly chipper when my brothers are zombies.  So if they want to take a long walk at 10:00pm, well, I’m pretty much done by then. They go.  I get ready for sleep. And I usually don’t get any takers on my 6:00am walk to the beach, because they aren’t ready to be moving that early. I go for my walk; they get up later for their workouts. The important thing is to just relax and go with it.  We always meet up for meals, so it’s all good.

One of my brothers is an artist, and a very talented one too. He loves art and architecture, and museums and walking tours. For my other brother and me, well, we are fine if there is historical significance or narrative, but we can over-dose on art pretty quickly, so my artistic brother will suggest something like touring the Santa Barbara Mission, and save the modern art museum for a time when the rest of us want to sit at the pool. And that’s all good, too.

As chatty as we are together, we still need time to detox from the noise and to have a quiet moment for reflection. We have a lot to reflect on too, like how incredibly lucky we are to enjoy each other so much, and to have such loving and generous spouses, partners, significant others, BFFs, kids, and parents who encourage us to take the time to reconnect. We are also lucky that we want to help each other change and find new direction as we get older and our priorities change. We love to dream about a retirement “business” we can start together, and dedicate our collective talents to making the world a better place. Will we actually do that? Probably not, but it is such fun to talk about doing it. And, well, don’t say “never”. It’s always a possibility. Just saying.

A wonderful thing about being with my siblings is that we know each other really well, so no one bothers with pretense. We know our faults and strengths, our hang-ups and our battles, and we’ve accepted each other’s limitations long ago. Since all that is a given, we are able to just relax and enjoy. Takes all the pressure off and nobody cares if we are perfect, because we already know that we aren’t. Also, we tend to not bottle stuff up, so there aren’t any unspoken angers, hurts, resentments, or regrets. No one is angry about what happened in 1975. We dealt with it in 1975.

Mostly though, we laugh, talk, eat, drink good wine, talk some more eat and drink some more, maybe confess or advise a little, then eat, drink wine, and talk some more.  Oh, we work out some too…because at least one of us struggles with the law of expansion (me, my brothers look great). One by one we are coming to the realization that it’s time to develop the next generation rather than ourselves. We aren’t as young as we used to be, but after every siblings’ reunion, I think we are better.

Setting Goals

I have spent a LOT of time thinking about creating a life vision and setting goals that align with the realization of that vision.  (It’s a school thing.)  My life is a great adventure.  If I follow that metaphor, and I’m honest with myself, then I realize that the great adventures I’ve read about in literature, fiction and nonfiction, don’t occur by accident.  They are the result of planning and goal setting.  Therefore, vision and goal setting are a necessary, though missing part my great adventure.  This has inspired periods of reflection that have lead me to several conclusions.

First, while I believe it is important that people begin vision and goal setting when they are young, I believe that more things become possible as we age.  I have more options available to me now, in my 50s, than I did when I was in my 20s.  Many of those new possibilities are the result of things I accomplished or decisions I made when I was younger.  I have many more choices now than I did when I was 35.  Therefore, the process of creating a vision for my life and setting goals to realize it does not stop when you become “a person of a certain age”.

Second, vision and goal setting is a discipline (yuck).  It requires practice, reflection, and revision.  It is fluid, it must be balanced between structure and flexibility, and it changes based on the choices you make.  As you work at it you make mistakes, occasionally fail, enjoy successes, and get better with practice.

Third, vision and goal setting is a “do it now” thing.  No need to wait.  Right now is the perfect moment to start.

Fourth, I am not a planner and the whole vision and goal setting process is foreign to my entire genetic code.  I have never done it.  I don’t even like to make plans for dinner in advance.  As a result, I tend to jump between things that engage my interest.  When I am engaged in something I have almost unlimited reserves of energy to work at it, and I am highly motivated to succeed.  However, I would have saved myself a whole lot of stress and confusion if I began vision and goal setting twenty or thirty years ago.  I think I would have been more open to possibilities too, because I might not have been so consumed with achievement in whatever area I was engaged in.  I think my personal relationships would have been enhanced.

Fifth, setting a vision and goals for your life is not a self-indulgence.  I think that occurs when it is presented in a way that doesn’t appeal.  If you tell me that it is a process designed to “guide me on a journey to find and connect with my true self”, then I’m done.  You have just lost me in the fluffy ether.  In the same vein, it you describe the process of concentrating on “what you want” to a person whose greatest joy in life is giving to others through selfless acts, then you have lost them in the selfishness.  Stripped of the emotional language others apply to the process, it’s simply a matter of identifying what you want your life to be like, and setting goals to get you to that place.  It’s completely individual, but not necessarily self indulgent or selfish.

Finally, it’s a great reference point, especially if you lead a busy life.  It’s flexible, changing as you change.  It helps you focus on what is truly important to you, and provides a tangible reminder when you need one, especially if you find joy in the journey rather than in the destination.

Contemplating Communication

I’m really big on communication.  I love the flow of ideas, and I love to share them with people, especially if they disagree with me.  To me, no conversation is more entertaining and inspiring than one that exposes me to different perspectives and changes the way I think.

Everyone has experienced bad communication.  It’s frustrating, irritating, and causes us to disconnect with the sender.  The only benefit to bad communication is that it makes for some funny stories in the retelling.  

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of communicating via Google and email.  Communicating online is very different from communicating face-to-face.  Online communication doesn’t include the nonverbal cues that help us make meaning from the words.   All the facial expressions, tones, and inflections are missing.  There’s no laughter in an email.  It can be funny, but it doesn’t laugh.  A person has to deal with the bald words, stripped of their intention or deeper meaning.  It’s why emails can seem so snarky.  You don’t have any way of determining what the writer really means.  

I’m also finding that understanding the communication style of others greatly facilitates understanding.  I am definitely an abstract-random communicator.  I love to jump between ideas as the whim takes me, and I tend to get restless if I stay for too long on any one subject.  In short, I really like my communications to have a free flow and non-sequential feeling about them.  I like lots of words, too.  Recently, I’ve had to communicate with a number of concrete-sequential thinkers.  Many of these people aren’t words.  It’s as if they are given a strict allotment of words to use each day, with a substantial bonus for staying well under their word budget.  I think I drive these people crazy.  It must be absolute torture for them to read through all my meandering words in order to find my point.  For them, the objective is to get to the point.  For me, it’s the journey to the point.  

Since it’s become increasingly important that my communication have meaning for my recipient, I’ve accepted that I need to adapt my style to meet the needs of others.  It’s called writing for your audience in the writing process, which is something I learned in elementary school.  It requires grace and flexibility on my part, but in the end it makes me a better communicator.

This flexibility doesn’t mean that I strip everything away and create skeletal communications.  It means I need to change the structure and prioritize information.  Stating the point or objective of the communication becomes a top priority.  How I come to a conclusion may not be important for understanding, so, no matter how fascinating I find it, if it doesn’t promote understanding, I need to exclude it.  Decisions about what information to include become easy to make if you measure every decision against the standard of recipient understanding.

I also think that we need to pay more attention to verbalizing manners and other customary social interactions.  For example, I have to express things like gratitude and appreciation explicitly, since no one can see me smile in an email. Sincerely expressing social niceties moves higher up the list of priorities in online communications. This adds more words to my emails, but is worth the connection and rapport I establish with my recipients.

For me, communication is always about making connections and building relationships.  Reflecting on how others receive my emails and texts just makes the process better.

Taking Part in Community

This past weekend was the Little Rock Marathon, which is a huge event here.  People come from all over, and I mean ALL over, to participate and to earn the 2.5 pound, dinner plate sized, finisher’s medal.  All kinds of people run the race, which includes a full marathon, half marathon, 10K, 5K, and a Little Rocker’s one mile finisher for the kids.  You see runners, walkers, young people, old people, fat people, skinny people, veterans of many races, and newbies who are running their first race.  You see all kinds of athletes, and you see an amazing number of volunteers.

Now, let me make it clear that I am not a runner.  I will walk all day and enjoy it, but I do not run.  In fact, if you see me running there are probably wolves chasing me, so you had better get moving.  Chances are, you will be fine, because I am pretty slow.  I also don’t like races.  I have walked the 5K in the past, and I could walk the 10K as well, but I don’t like the stress of race day.  All the getting ready, weather uncertainties, parking hassles, take the party hats out of the occasion for me.  I have enjoyed the actual walk and meeting new people, but I’m just not physically competitive enough to get excited about the race.

That said, I’m married to a marathoner…a real runner, who loves the whole package.  He trains hard and seriously, and loves it.  I am part of his support crew and his head cheerleader.  I am so proud of him, and the fact that my over-50 year old husband looks so good, and can smoke younger runners is a bonus.  I really like being a participant on the sidelines.

This year I volunteered at the Expo, handing out race packets, and I had a ball. It is such an opportunity for encouragement.  My favorite are the people who are running their first race.  They are so excited, and so proud of their effort and training, but nervous too.  I love the way they tell you their stories.  They encourage me, and make me want to reciprocate.  I worked for over four hours, on my feet, and wanted to do four hours more.  In fact, next year I will sign up for both days at the Expo.

I am struck by how much this non-runner enjoys hanging out with runners.  It is such a diverse group and has room for everyone.  Cheering on the morning of the marathon, I saw some of my former students, 16-year-olds, running 13.1 or 26.2 miles, and I was so proud of them.  I was proud of their dedication and commitment.  I don’t know why they were doing it, but I do know that they didn’t just decide to go out and run a full or half marathon.  They trained.  They ran a lot of miles.  Sometimes the weather conditions are awful, but runners do it anyway.  And, mostly, they do it for the satisfaction.  They aren’t going to win any speed awards, but they can, and often do, set personal records.  

Runners tend to support one another.  They will encourage one another, and there are many examples of runners sacrificing their own times to help another runner who is cramping, in distress, or who just can’t get up that hill.  Often, runners will finish their race, then go back out on the course to run the last three, or five, or seven miles with another runner in order to help them cross the finish line.

All of this is why runners are a group I want to support, and why I will keep on volunteering, and cheering from the sidelines. They have a lot to teach us about commitment, responsibility, and compassion.  Runners are cool with non-runners too.  They may not understand us any better than we understand them, but they tend to encourage us on whatever path we take to get moving.  As a walker, I have gotten a lot of encouragement from runners, and I have never felt like they looked down on my pitiful efforts.  Instead, they have encouraged me.  In spite of running being, in a sense, a solitary sport, runners aren’t islands.  They are a community.

They say that, in the good old days, more communities used to be like the running community.  These are my good old days, so I can’t speak about that. All I can say is that I love this community that I’ve discovered.  I am glad they have a place for supporters. 

Speaking as a Student

This semester is going to be challenging!  Right now I am learning to use a new creative program.  It’s a really good creative program, and once I learn how to use it, I think I am going to love it.  However, right now, learning it is stressing me out.  I don’t really know what I am doing.  As I complete some of the exercises, I have no idea why I am completing some of the steps.  I am not sure I can I apply what I am supposed to learn from the exercises to the real world.

I’m not without resources.  I bought the official training workbook for the program.  It’s one of the required textbooks for the class.  I’m glad I bought it too, because the whole organization of the program is completely new to me, and I’d be totally lost without it.  I’m used to working with free stuff, and free often means limited, easy to use functions.  This software is a beast, and having all those options really complicates things when you are trying to learn to use it.  So having the workbook is a good thing.

But there is a basic problem with the official workbook.  It wasn’t written by a teacher or an instructional designer.  It was written by someone who is an expert with the software and assumes that the learner is equally proficient.  Lots of little instructions are left out of the exercises, making completion a very frustrating experience.

Don’t misunderstand me.  I’m going to learn it.  I have absolutely no doubt about it.  But, I’m going to master this program because I am determined to master it.  My determination is going to motivate me to seek answers from alternative sources to help me understand what I am supposed to be doing.  But, this experience has made me reflect on how important it is to make sure we know our students, and that we teach so that they will learn successfully.  Learning this software would have been a lot less frustrating if the instructions were clearer, better organized, and considered my limited level of experience and prior knowledge.

Teachers are responsible for teaching every one of their students.  To do that, they need to know their students…all of them.  Good teachers know their students.